Pillows and Pee Sticks

For the Love of Harper.......wow....where to begin?  I am writing this in retrospect. What new mother has the time to blog about their demanding newborn? Frankly, my time was much better spent with endless kisses to soft baby cheeks, countless pictures of adorable bug-eyed faces, and endless...I repeat ENDLESS...breastfeeding.  It's okay though, I remember everything like it was yesterday.........well almost everything.

Harper Averie came into this world after 27 hours of labor on April 5th, 2012  with yellowish green poo covering her from head to toe, but I didn't care. I covered that poopy head in kisses and they couldn't have been any sweeter........I didn't know life could be so good and that something so perfect was given to me to nurture and protect.  I was like "wow, what was the universe thinking?!?!?".

Paul and I had talked about having a child together.  When we met I had Zayne, the little adorable hillbilly hellion child that I loved to smother in smooches, much to his dismay; Paul had Dylan and Aubree his sweet little blond haired children that were his spitting image. We married and spoke of a baby occasionally, but money was always tight and we thought it unfair to bring a baby into our lives when we were clearly already struggling with Paul facing a layoff and me working and going to school full-time. But part of me felt incomplete. I was a single mom to Zayne until he was five, and I entertained the idea of how I would love to have the opportunity to raise a child in a household with two parents that were absolutely in love with one another and give it everything I was unable to give my son. I would like to say that we were responsible and took the necessary precautions......but I was open to mistakes.......hoping for one even, maybe?

Fast forward.........Paul came home one evening as I was going to bed and asked if I would like to go have dinner and drinks at the dinner club the following evening.  I told him no. He was surprised, he asked again, then he asked why not (pass up drinks? seriously?) and was adamant that I give him a reason. I then pulled out the positive pregnancy test that I had hidden in his pillow case (ewww! i know!) and handed it to him in frustration. He laughed.................I cried. The plan was for him to come to bed after I was already asleep and to discover a lump in his pillow and "voila", pull out the positive pee stick.  I did this because I didn't know how to approach him with the news, knowing he was going to be laid off in the coming weeks. I played the possible scenarios in my head:  "Paul, we are going to have to let one of the kids go" , "We can rob a bank and make this work",  "We really don't need 4 bedrooms and 2 baths, we can survive with one bedroom and indoor plumbing doesn't have to be a necessity".

I am not ashamed to admit that when I truly realized the magnitude of the dilemma we were facing, I was devastated. Not because I didn't want a baby, but because of the way it was going to impact my existing family. I felt torn, selfish, and confused.  It didn't take long, however, before I realized that our marriage, our family, and life in general improved as my pregnancy progressed. 

.....to be continued.....

~For the <3 of Harper~