Fuzzy Sister Incognito

It's 5:35 a.m. and I haven't been to sleep yet.  I miss Harper.  I was looking at pictures of her fuzziness. She was fuzzy, super fuzzy, she got that from her daddy.  I took close up pictures of her arm and her back once just to capture the fuzz.  "Fuzzy Sister" is what I called her.

Harper's fuzzy arm <3

We had both hoped that our sweet girl would have red hair. With my red hair and Paul's red beard and the fact that I came from a long line of redheads, the odds were pretty good.

:) It was red. Not super red, but red enough.

Fuzzy Harper & Fuzzy Daddy  <3

Harper was a master of disguise, always altering her appearance.  She had the amazing ability to transform herself into some alter ego by ways of manipulating her double chin.  It is crazy how she could look like a totally different baby.



                                        Now you see it!                                    Now you don't!!

I provided a possible age progression photo of what Fuzzy Sister may have looked like in 30 years taking into consideration her red hair and double chin.  Well, I must say, she certainly got the double chin honestly!!

 Oh Miss Pretty Pretty........I miss my fuzzy girl.


For the Love of Harper <3

Harper's Debut x 2

Okay.....so as part of the healing process and in order to share our precious photo memories of Harper with our loved ones, I created a video. Mind you, this was my first ever attempt at such an endeavor. I litteraly slaved over this production for days and days and spent countless late night hours cutting and pasting video and song clips with a cloud of snotty tear-drenched tissues surrounding me.


Making this video was hard, so very hard. The pain was immense but the smiles were plenty too. I posted it to YouTube today after I gained my husband's approval. With it being such a delicate issue, I wanted to make sure he was okay with it. It tore my heart apart watching him watch videos of his "Lil Miss" as I wiped tears from his cheeks. 

For the Love of Harper~
A Tribute to Harper Averie




It ended up being pretty ironic, my posting the tribute video for Harper today. Most things now days are bittersweet. Today was a dandy though. There is a girl that was a couple of years behind me in school. Her mom is my neighbor and my mom works with her sister-in-law. She and her husband were pregnant with their second child the same time I was pregnant with Harper. I logged on to Facebook today only to discover that they welcomed a beautiful little girl named "Harper" into the world.


I had heard from friends that they were thinking of the name Harper after my Harper was born. I was like, so much for trying to be original. I won't lie, after Harper left us, I hoped that they would change their mind and choose another name for their precious baby.


I immediately called my mom, sobbing (as I do oh so often). Even though I had anticipated this, it did not fully prepare me for the waves of heartache and jealously that overcame me.


Then I looked at my beautiful Harper's picture and then I looked at their beautiful Harper's picture and I couldn't help but to smile through my tears.Teeny tiny little Harpers...they are a thing of beauty.

~For the Love of Harper(s)~ <3

Buggy Eyes are Windows to the Soul

She was fierce!

Harper Averie was one gigantic force to be reckoned with squeezed into a 6lb package of beauty and fuzziness. Never in my life have I seen a newborn so animated, so full of personality, or give so much attitude. 

First of all, we affectionately referred to her as "Buggy" or "Buggy Bear".  This all started thanks to my grandma (GeeGee) who has no qualms about stating her opinion or her observations.  She and my aunt came to visit one day and as she held Harper she said "she has big buggy eyes" or something to that effect. At first I was adamant that she didn't and was offended. 

I soon came to find that it was those buggy eyes (that she did indeed have) that are one of the things we remember most fondly about her.  Her almost constant deer-in-the-headlights look. Daddy used to sing Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" to her but change it to "bug eyed girl". 

                                              ...............you, my bug eyed girl....................

Her big beautiful bulging eyes were rather ironic.  When I was pregnant with Harper,  the little big-eyed owls became all the rage.  My baby shower was owl-themed and decorations included these precious little pale pink and gray owls with bulging eyes.  My good friend Sarah made this gorgeous (and might I add delicious) owl cake for the shower. Granted, the owl is sleeping, but imagine it awake and eyes the size of saucers.  That was my Harper.

                                                   Sarah Myers Cakes-Let Them Eat Cake

So, this little girl captivated us all with the buggy eyes.  It is incredible the array of  expressions she conveyed with those eyes..................

"seriously?" We also affectionately referred to this as "the stink eye".

Shock

 terror

bewilderment

Surprise....no actually this is her poo face.  I miss it the most.

They say a person's eyes are windows to their soul.  I could see so much in those big beautiful blue eyes. There was something in them that put me in the mind of a little old wise man from times long past. I think they were so big so that I could see her soul more clearly. Something out there knew that she was only going to be here for a short time and I needed to see the beauty of her soul as deeply as possible.

~For the Love of Harper~

(and her buggy eyes)

Mommy's Milky and a Fierce 6lb Baby

She was amazing. That is the only way I can say it.  Everyone in the delivery room was shocked that she took to the breast immediately with no problems. All 6 pounds 1 ounce of  tiny Harper Averie was flawlessly designed to aggressively seek out and attack mommy's breasts with a vengeance. The feats of strength and determination displayed by this itsy bitsy babe were so entertaining.

The video is dark, but you get the idea!

Immediately, she slept through the night, only wake up once to nurse. Often times, just near the scent of my breast made her pass out immediately, the comfort she found was immense. The day time was a different story. Harper loved mommy's milky so much and found my breast so comforting that after just minutes of nursing she would conk out. I would try to wake her by stroking her cheek or tickling her feet, but I guess the intoxication was that strong.  Needless to say, she would awake 15 minutes later grumbling and grunting for the breast.  I didn't get a whole lot done in those times. We spent most of our time on the couch.........and that was fine by me.  I never passed up the chance to stare lovingly in awe and amazement I this tiny perfect little person who truly believed that I was the center of the world.

During nursing, Harper had managed to work
 her arm under the strap of mommy's cami and conk out.

~For The <3 of Harper

Pillows and Pee Sticks

For the Love of Harper.......wow....where to begin?  I am writing this in retrospect. What new mother has the time to blog about their demanding newborn? Frankly, my time was much better spent with endless kisses to soft baby cheeks, countless pictures of adorable bug-eyed faces, and endless...I repeat ENDLESS...breastfeeding.  It's okay though, I remember everything like it was yesterday.........well almost everything.

Harper Averie came into this world after 27 hours of labor on April 5th, 2012  with yellowish green poo covering her from head to toe, but I didn't care. I covered that poopy head in kisses and they couldn't have been any sweeter........I didn't know life could be so good and that something so perfect was given to me to nurture and protect.  I was like "wow, what was the universe thinking?!?!?".

Paul and I had talked about having a child together.  When we met I had Zayne, the little adorable hillbilly hellion child that I loved to smother in smooches, much to his dismay; Paul had Dylan and Aubree his sweet little blond haired children that were his spitting image. We married and spoke of a baby occasionally, but money was always tight and we thought it unfair to bring a baby into our lives when we were clearly already struggling with Paul facing a layoff and me working and going to school full-time. But part of me felt incomplete. I was a single mom to Zayne until he was five, and I entertained the idea of how I would love to have the opportunity to raise a child in a household with two parents that were absolutely in love with one another and give it everything I was unable to give my son. I would like to say that we were responsible and took the necessary precautions......but I was open to mistakes.......hoping for one even, maybe?

Fast forward.........Paul came home one evening as I was going to bed and asked if I would like to go have dinner and drinks at the dinner club the following evening.  I told him no. He was surprised, he asked again, then he asked why not (pass up drinks? seriously?) and was adamant that I give him a reason. I then pulled out the positive pregnancy test that I had hidden in his pillow case (ewww! i know!) and handed it to him in frustration. He laughed.................I cried. The plan was for him to come to bed after I was already asleep and to discover a lump in his pillow and "voila", pull out the positive pee stick.  I did this because I didn't know how to approach him with the news, knowing he was going to be laid off in the coming weeks. I played the possible scenarios in my head:  "Paul, we are going to have to let one of the kids go" , "We can rob a bank and make this work",  "We really don't need 4 bedrooms and 2 baths, we can survive with one bedroom and indoor plumbing doesn't have to be a necessity".

I am not ashamed to admit that when I truly realized the magnitude of the dilemma we were facing, I was devastated. Not because I didn't want a baby, but because of the way it was going to impact my existing family. I felt torn, selfish, and confused.  It didn't take long, however, before I realized that our marriage, our family, and life in general improved as my pregnancy progressed. 

.....to be continued.....

~For the <3 of Harper~